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FIFA Sponsors Speak Out on Corruption Scandal

May 28, 2015
Sepp Blatter

FIFA Don Sepp Blatter considers making somebody an offer they can’t refuse.

Yesterday, the FBI — aided by Swiss officials — arrested seven FIFA officials as part of a massive corruption probe, presumably because they couldn’t find any of the other FIFA officials to arrest with them. Overnight, primary World Cup sponsors Visa and Coca-Cola hysterically expressed their “disappointment” to find that the devil they were in bed with operated in manner so corrupt that it would make Congress blush.

Well, through crack reporting, we here at the Meisterblog have unearthed the rejected original draft of their statement.

After waking from a 25-year nap, we at Visa and Coca-Cola were shocked and dismayed to find that FIFA’s business practices have invited this kind of scrutiny. In our decades-long relationship with FIFA and the Wold Cup, we have never any moment that would have given us cause for alarm (snicker).

Now that all of our customers who only follow soccer every four years and had no idea what a FIFA was the day before yesterday are aware of what soccer reporters have been telling people for years, we DEMAND (no seriously) that FIFA get its opulent palace in order and clean up its operation…or at least not be so obvious about things.

If FIFA can’t go back to being corrupt in a way that doesn’t negatively affect us, we will be forced to withdraw our support to one of the biggest sports event’s on the face of the earth that has given us untold exposure and helped our bottom line for years (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, we almost said that with a straight face).

No, seriously, we mean it.

The Meisterblog will stay on top of this breaking story. Or we will get bored and forget to post anything else about it.

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From → Scandals, Soccer

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